New Name! Also, More Hamilton Analysis/Personal Reflection

My blog's new title IS...

Guys, I found this gif  while reading the Genius.com Hamilton annotations on "Wait For It"

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Punching the Bursar

Curious how I decided on this? Well, I'll tell you...

First: there was the poll, for which the three I started out liking better all got zero votes. Polling was a good idea.

Hey, I said I'd be happy with like three votes. Five? Oh, ecstasy, thy name is 166% achievement.

I can now see the three bottom ones were appealing to me mainly because they were me trying too hard to be clever. Whereas the other two actually sound potentially like blog titles.

BUT WAIT if "Racing Thoughts" got more votes, why isn't it the title? Well, I never said the poll was binding, merely a way of acquiring feedback. So it was down to the top two, and I realized two things. One, the cynical marketing/branding side of my brain realized that "Side Effects May Include Racing Thoughts" sounds like a medical or ADD blog or something like that, as well as completely not Google unique, so anyone searching for my blog would first get a giant list of every page mentioning a medication with that side effect.

But this isn't a professional blog or anything for me, so the SEO part of it was way less important than having a title I could justify as far as what I wanted to write about and why. The source is of course, Hamilton, in which the title character describes how he tried to apply to Princeton "seeking an accelerated course of study", to graduate in two years and join the Revolution sooner, but when the administration denied him apparently the person delivering the message "looked at [him] like [he] was stupid" at which Hamilton "may have punched him, it's a blur."

So there's a lot wrapped up in that little exchange. There's defying authority. There's refusing to be condescended to. There's an insistence that his thoughts and ideas will be taken seriously, dammit (it resonates for me with the Federalist Papers exchange he has with Burr which I described here). And he's doing it because he wants to join in something that he thinks is important, to contribute whatever he can.

So personally, something I've had a lot of trouble with in the past is visualizing revolutionary change. I grew up in a pretty conservative society. Not necessarily the kind of rural, hardcore culture wars type stuff, but rather one that tended to be dismissive of the possibility or desirability of change. So, it wasn't that they overtly hated gay people, they just didn't see why it was necessary to make such a big deal over things like discounted "couples" tickets to the prom only being sold to heterosexual couples. And particularly, young people who didn't agree were seen as cute little aberrations going through a phase.

Oh, you're a liberal? Well, just wait until you start seeing how much the government takes out of your first paycheck and you'll change your tune quick... 

Oh, you're an atheist? Well you haven't yet really faced any real hardships of the type that show you when you have to turn to God, so you'll come around...

Or in other words, I'd tell people about my beliefs and they'd look at me like I was stupid. And I was NOT stupid. I never punched any of them, though. So now I shall. But, you know, with words. Word-punching is ok.

All this is not to claim I was some progressive visionary in my youth--far from it. My own journey, for instance, from childhood homophobia to fiercely supporting LGBT rights is a whooooole other story all its own. But though by high school I was an atheist Democrat in Texas, one of the most liberal people I knew, I had still internalized a lot of that dismissiveness towards my more radical tendencies, and that stifled them for a long time, I think. I wanted to change things, but always wanted to do it in "sensible" or "efficient" ways, without being too disruptive to the system, and to this day when I get even a little grandiose in my ambitions, I immediately have the instinct to pull back, to not commit so fully and risk looking like a fool.

So perhaps what I admire most is Hamilton's total lack of embarrassment at his own massive grandiosity. He announces that he WILL change the world. His writings WILL be read. He WILL NOT throw away his shot. Unlike Burr, who would try to stay out of trouble in order to keep his options open. I've been acting the Burr for far too long, and I honestly don't know if I'm a Burr who wishes he was a Hamilton or a Hamilton who was taught to be a Burr, but either way I've been striving back towards Hamilton-ness over the past couple years.

So the new mission statement for this newly re-titled blog is severalfold:

• Legitimately question the status quo towards progressive change or increased understanding
• Exhibit authentic self-expression no matter how embarrassing or imprudent in context.
• Connect with like-minded and un-like-minded people to discuss and learn together.
• Being open to the possibility of making mistakes and being wrong.

This will take a lot of forms. Some posts will be writing about pieces of media that I want to draw a message or theme out of, or that I had a particular reaction to (so, you know, the thing I actually studied in college). Some will be my takes on political or social issues, even if I'm not necessarily the best informed or positioned to speak on the topic. Some will be actual grandiose proposals of solutions and action that might be taken. Areas in which I already have thoughts brewing include: thorny geopolitical situations, contemporary worker's rights, real estate concepts, modern parenting, and a whole host of other things that from my resume I have no business discussing, but will be anyway because even if I'm DEAD WRONG I'd like to have the conversation about why I'm wrong so I can learn going forward.

So yeah, welcome to Punching The Bursar, by Joseph Labatt. Stay tuned and get ready, because a big upcoming post is likely to strain the "grandiose ideas" thing to just about its breaking point right out of the gate. 

Should be a good time.

Why the Writing Stopped Again

Wasn't he going to write more, like at least semi-frequently? What happened to that?

There's a thing that a lot of people I know do with late email reponses. If they needed to get back to someone on an email a day or two ago and they suddenly remember, they'll usually respond as soon as possible. But the longer it's been, the more anxious they get about responding so late, and less likely they are to ever actually respond without prompting.

...Wait, I'm sure I've seen this articulated in a comic somewhere. (Quickly Googles "Email late response comic" and The Oatmeal comes up, because of course it does.)

So yeah, basically this.

That dynamic totally infiltrated my new resolution of blog writing. I posted the link to my sleep apnea post being like "Wooooo two days in a row, I'm on FIRE" and promptly managed to intimidate myself into feeling like I needed to keep up that pace, at the prospect of which I promptly shut down entirely, and then every day I didn't post consistently I felt like I'd need more and more elaborate excuses for having had a gap (Oh hey look what I'm doing right now).

Also, instead of the act of writing things down and publishing them alleviating any pressure from the bubbling thought cauldron upstairs, putting my words out there actually seemed to stir things up. Suddenly, I was simultaneously mentally composing four new essays, but they'd make points or digressions that relied on referencing each other, so I mean what order should I post them in? Maybe I could post them all at once? But that meant instead of just writing one I'd need all four finished before the next posting, and anyway shouldn't I space my blog posts out more? (At this very moment, a "Blog post vs. Essay" blog post/essay about that terminology which I have brewing in another tab is getting me mentally sidetracked.)

So, anyway, this is just a short post, mulling over that dynamic and recommitting to actually taking it easier on myself in the service of getting myself to write more. Fun mental judo!

…Oh, the one other thing that threw me off briefly was after like three people in one day said how much they hate the word "millennial" I went on a compulsive brainstorming session about potentially changing my blog's name (after all it's early in the writing, so it would be much easier to rebrand sooner than later…) 

So here for your reading pleasure, without further ado, is the verbatim stream of consciousness sequence of new name considerations I typed on my phone 4 nights ago:

I should rename my blog to some pun or take on the Federalist papers
Federalist Pages
The Federalist Sticky Notes
Nerdsalist papers
The Federalist posts
I am actually a Federalist (states rights can work as innovation labs, but to block progress they are always the opposition to civil rights)
Millenialist Papers
Labatt Looks Again
Look again, Labatt
Confessions of a...
Confessions of a whathaveyou
Confessions of a something-something
Shakespeare/Hamilton/media/empathy
Punching the bursar
Clown shoes
Barefoot ponderings
Barefoot in clown shoes
Wet blanket firebrand
Paradox oxymoron
The sharp dull
Ain't the sharpest sharp in the sharp
Hook hanging
Hanging out on hooks
Doing this instead
Labatt essays
Fire and powder
Methodic madness
Methodical play
Methodically mad play
Prospero quote about infirmity
I'm fine; I'm better; don't worry about me
Positive brainwave pressure
Continuous positive pressure
Methodically medically mad
The ticket cup
Something empathy
Empathic madness
Folie a deux
Jobot's Log
Lord protectorate
Windows screens
Fear the helpful machine
Don't rage, the machine is only doing its job
Side effects may include racing thoughts
Racing thoughts
Uncorking
Convection currents
Doing this instead
Instead, I'm Doing/Writing This 

Ok, so posting this list was originally just a joke, but looking at it again I actually really like some of these, or some slight variations on them:

• Punching the Bursar
• Side Effects May Include Racing Thoughts
• Methodically/Medically Mad
• Emphatically, Empathically Mad 
• Confessions of a Twenty-Something, Or what you will.

Does anyone out there have thoughts on any those names? Comment about them! Not in the "I have a blog and more comments is evidence of higher traffic and more engaged readership" way people sometimes ask for comments, but like I'm actually curious what people have to say. 

I could even go full CNN-desperate and have a poll, too. Should I have a poll? Do I have anywhere near the kind of readership to justify a poll? Eh, why not, even if it's like three votes that's fine.

Favorite New Name?

Punching the Bursar

Side Effects May Include Racing Thoughts

Methodically/Medically Mad

Emphatically, Empathically Mad

Confessions of a Twenty-Something, Or what you will.

Poll Maker

Comment if you like any of the rest of the list, or you have questions, or a couple of suggestions.

"Joseph Labatt ain't the sharpest sharp in the sharp" is definitely going to be my bio for something, someday.

Playing You Out:

Sleep Apnea 101, Or Why Snoring isn't as Funny as You Think

So what's the deal–you've got a sleep problem or something?

I have a severe case of a sleep disorder called sleep apnea. A lot of people who know me know that much, but I get the sense people frequently don't know if it's okay to ask me about it, or are afraid I'm tired of explaining it over and over (which is at least a little true). I've mostly dealt with the explaining by getting to the point where I can rattle it off really fast and without thinking too hard about it, but recently it's gotten so quick and rote that I think people just nod along until I get through my routine, without really understanding it. So I decided to write it down.

This post will cover the basics of the disorder in general, and some specific details of my case, for any out there who may be curious. 

OK, you have Sleep Apnea. So what the heck is that?

I could write out a long technical explanation, but wouldn't you rather watch a video of it all being explained to and then repeated by an adorably confused Shaquille O' Neal? Of course you would: 

That video is courtesy of the Division of Sleep Medicine at Harvard Medical School, which has an excellent and comprehensive website if you're curious for more detail.

So, some people stop breathing while they're asleep, then their brain wakes them up just enough to start breathing again, then they fall back asleep and stop breathing, so their brain wakes them up, then they fall back asleep and stop breathing... Rinse and repeat and you can lie down and close your eyes for 12 hours but "wake up" in the morning feeling like you got no rest at all. 

Could a mutant healing factor fix sleep apnea? The world may never know.

In addition to just being tired all the time, it can also lead to long-term problems, including heart problems and even depression.

Well, that sounds like it sucks. Is it possible I might have sleep apnea?

We've reached the truly PSA-esque section of this article. I know several people who, when I explained what my deal was said "Oh, I wonder if I have that, too." If you're thinking that, get a sleep study done. Go to your health insurance online provider network-use your parents', get Obamacare, whatever, go into their system and find a sleep study center in their network and schedule an appointment.

It might seem weird to spend a bunch of money (and depending on the center and insurance, it might not be as bad as you think) but you're essentially screening for a chronic problem, which can save you money in the long run (the cost of a sleep-stress related heart attack at 50 will be much higher than this study, I assure you).

From the Mayo Clinic Sleep Apnea guidelines:

The most common signs and symptoms of obstructive and central sleep apneas include:

• Loud snoring, which is usually more prominent in obstructive sleep apnea
• Episodes of breathing cessation during sleep witnessed by another person
• Abrupt awakenings accompanied by shortness of breath, which more likely indicates central sleep apnea
• Awakening with a dry mouth or sore throat
• Morning headache
• Difficulty staying asleep (insomnia)
• Excessive daytime sleepiness (hypersomnia)
• Attention problems
• Irritability

Consult a medical professional if you experience, or if your partner notices, the following:

• Snoring loud enough to disturb the sleep of others or yourself
• Shortness of breath, gasping for air or choking that awakens you from sleep
• Intermittent pauses in your breathing during sleep
• Excessive daytime drowsiness, which may cause you to fall asleep while you're working, watching television or even driving

Is it the same for everyone who has it?

No, there are varying types and levels of severity. Apnea events fall into two broad categories:

Obstructive Apneas- Here the main problem is that muscles around your throat relax too much as you sleep, so your airway closes and you struggle to breathe, trying to gasp unsuccessfully, just like someone choking on a foreign obstruction. If you have these primarily, you're diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea, the most common and easiest to treat.

Central Apneas- Less common and a bit harder to treat are apneas that are caused not by your airway being obstructed, but rather because the brain (central nervous system) is for whatever reason failing to send the electrical signal to even attempt a breath, so you don't even try to breathe. Primarily having these is called–shocker–Central Sleep Apnea, which is less common and a little harder to deal with.

Some lucky scamps get a combination of both, which is called Complex Sleep Apnea, and is both the hardest treatment to get used to as well as the most complicated to diagnose. (Guess which one I have! Hint: it's this one.)

I know, right?

So How Bad Can it Get?

The severity of any given case is measured primarily by what's called the apnea/hypoapnea index, or AHI. Apneas are defined as complete cessations of breathing, and hypoapneas are periods of overly shallow breathing or an abnormally low respiratory rate. AHI is the average number per hour of apnea and hypoapnea events lasting at least 10 seconds.

Based on the AHI, the severity of Sleep Apnea is classified roughly as follows:

• None/Minimal: AHI < 5 per hour
• Mild: AHI ≥ 5, but < 15 per hour
• Moderate: AHI ≥ 15, but < 30 per hour
• Severe: AHI ≥ 30 per hour

The most severe cases can get up over 100 AHI, and those are the people who present as essentially narcoleptic–falling asleep in the middle of conversations, or even while driving, that level of disruption. 

My untreated AHI turned out to be 41. So, doing some quick math–41 events at least 10 seconds each is 410 seconds, or roughly 7 minutes. So at minimum, I was spending 7 minutes out of every hour, over 10%, of my time either struggling to breathe or totally choked. Yeah, it really messed me up for a long time.

Me untreated, every day by about 1pm.

How's it treated?

The most common treatment is called CPAP–continuous positive airway pressure. It fixes obstructive apneas by pressurizing your respiratory system, essentially inflating your airway like one of those long balloon animal balloons, so it can't collapse. Or (if you want a more medical analogy) it's like stinting a blood vessel, but using a set air pressure instead of an implanted device.

Various flavors of sleep apnea use different types, like Auto CPAP, Bi-PAP, V-PAP, Auto V-PAP, Adaptive Pressure Support Servo-Ventilators, etc. etc. They handle the way air is delivered differently, whether they change the pressure level or keep it constant, whether they force you to breathe in a steady pattern or whether they adapt around irregularities, that sort of thing. 

Mine is an ASV Bi-Pap, which means it's providing continuous pressure at a low level to stop obstructive apneas, slightly raising the pressure to help on inhalations, dropping that pressure whenever I exhale, and will pulse really hard (basically becoming a respirator for a moment) when I have a central apnea. That combination of complicated and sudden pressure changes is one of the hardest to tolerate.

Me IRL, trying to sleep.

Successful treatment is characterized by how low it makes your AHI, with <5 being the goal, and how much you can tolerate using it (ideally all night, every night).

How successful is your treatment?

I started treatment at the same time I went back for fall semester of my senior year (senior year 2.0, that is). At first, I was on a simple CPAP for a few weeks and noticing no difference–they hadn't yet realized my case was Complex because the central apneas only manifested recognizably once the CPAP was applied (it had to do with the higher air pressure changing the rate of my blood CO₂ elimination–apparently one of the weirdest responses my doctor has ever seen to treatment and part of why the saga of figuring it out took so long for me).

I got a new machine, which improved my AHI a lot but I could only tolerate an average 1-2 hours per night. Even that much, though, took me from basically nonfunctional (I'd say 15% capacity) to a minimal functionality (30%? 40%?), so I went through most of Nov-February drifting between terrible 0-0.5 hour nights and the good 3-3.5 hour nights. Then in March I got a minor cold over spring break and couldn't tolerate the machine at all for almost three weeks, which nearly made me drop out again. It brought me back to the worst depression I'd ever felt (yeah, the sleep issues gave me clinical depression) right when I needed to be writing my thesis.

I struggled back from that hole though, going on anti-depressants and finally getting well, plus I got diagnosed with ADD (which I've also apparently had all along, probably in part due to the sleep apnea as well) and for a variety of reasons being on Adderall helped normalize my sleep so I finished out the year getting a solid 4-5 hours a night.

I took last summer off mostly to really seriously focus in on changing my treatment course to increase my machine toleration rate. My doctor and I checked in about every week, making lots of incremental tweaks on pressure settings or medication rhythms and tracking the effects. I tried three or four different types and models of breathing masks. Eventually, around mid-July this year, I finally got my nightly sleep with machine treatment up to 6-8 hours a night, with an AHI of around 2.

I've lost 20-30 pounds over the past summer, I have vastly more energy and focus, I'm happier, and I actually often wake up spontaneously after about 8-9 hours instead of my previous nightly 11-14 hours if I didn't have an alarm set. I'm not 100% consistent, occasionally allergies or just a couple late nights will throw off either my ability to tolerate the machine or my sleep patterns, and I'll be a little more out of it, but no more (I think) than most people if they get poor sleep for a while. I'm especially more resilient it seems to only one night interruptions, so as long as it doesn't get bad for days in a row I'm almost unaffected.

It's been over two years of dealing with this shit. I deserve this GIF.

Let me know if you guys have any more questions about my situation specifically, the disorder generally, or if you want to talk about your sleep concerns (I'm obviously not a medical doctor, but I'm happy to be a friendly ear.)

Sleep well everyone!

(AND GET A SLEEP STUDY IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT NEED ONE)

Playing You Out:

Up All Night by Counting Crows

Don't Look Too Hard Before You Leap: Lessons Learned from Hamilton (And Parkour)

So guys, I don't know if you heard, but the cast recording of Hamilton was released recently. I haven't gone a full day since without listening through it at least once. The show’s amazing, the album is amazing, Lin-Manuel Miranda won a MacArthur Genius Grant, everything is awesome, and there will certainly be other thoughts about Hamilton appearing here in the future. For today, I'm writing about one particular reflection it's been eliciting in me that's also making me think about–of all things–parkour.

Some background: in 2013, I was in the fall semester of my senior year at Princeton. I was depressed and incapable of completing work, engaging with people, or doing anything at all, really. (It turned out later that I had a severe undiagnosed sleep disorder…that saga is a post for another day). Anyway, I basically dropped out and moved back home for a year. In that time I mostly worked on getting happier and healthier in whatever way I could–going to therapy, working out, learning to cook actual food, reading books for fun again… that sort of thing.

One of the activities I decided to take up in the interest of getting in shape was parkour. It had always been a joke at my high school, people would jump up three inches onto a curb and yell "PARKOUR!" but I'd always been curious about the real thing. So, after a few months of idly thinking about it, I actually searched and found a parkour gym in San Antonio that had beginner adult classes and started going to lessons once or twice a week. I rapidly discovered something about myself–I'm completely terrified of failure. I mean, I knew I didn't like it-who does? But it turns out if I'm not 100% certain of my success, I often let that chance of failure paralyze me.

I was at my first parkour class, doing a relatively simple circuit of obstacles, and partway through I had to jump from the top of one crate to another, perhaps 3 or 4 feet away. The boxes were both about 2 feet high. I got to the edge of the first one, and I froze. I was looking at the gap, thinking "That's not that far, you can make that. Do it. Just jump. Just jump." I crouched, preparing to jump, then stood up again in place. Crouched, stood. Of course then my head started going in the vicious cycle of thinking that my hesitation would sabotage me (And I'd Sail Cat right off the box), only making my hesitation worse.

The teacher could tell what was happening, so he had me step off the boxes and come over to the side. He marked on the floor the distance I'd need to jump and had me do it flat. I cleared the distance needed easily. He had me do that several times on the floor, then go back to the crates. I made the jump and continued, but even being SURE of the physical ease of the task, I could still feel the fluttery terror thrashing around in my stomach as I jumped.

I'm not sure I'd ever done anything that physically dangerous. Yeah, I know all the peril of hopping a four foot gap. But still, I couldn't think of anything like it. Maybe when I was really young, before I can recall, but probably not. I grew up in the era of obsessive safety for the children-I remember all of my elementary school’s best playground equipment being replaced around 1st grade, because it was too “dangerous” (in case you're wondering: a jungle gym shaped like a fire truck and one of those playground spinner things). 

Yet, that flutter had felt familiar. I tried to place it- thinking of times I was physically threatened. Maybe I’d felt it that time my car got hit? No, that was just an unpleasant jolt of surprise. My memory of most perceived danger was probably a giant wire swing line at summer camp, but it was a really thorough climbing rig that you were strapped into, so you knew you were actually safe. The slight thrill of fear up the back of my neck when jumping from the 40 foot wooden platform in my professional safety harness wasn’t even remotely comparable to the panicky feeling I had two feet off the ground on those crates.

It wasn’t until later after class while talking to my therapist that I was able to finally articulate why the moment had seemed so familiar, because the circumstances had nothing to do with bodily peril. It turned out I’d felt the same flutter of fear in a different context–attempting to express myself. Trying to ask a girl out, telling my parents I wasn't happy at school, showing a poem to a friend before creative writing class. That moment before the plunge of revealing myself, of being emotionally vulnerable, trying to make the decision to open up. That was when I would feel my stomach twisting in knots, my hands shaking (knees weak, palms sweaty, etc.).

So, what does this exposition about my history of expressive anxiety have to do with Hamilton, a hip-hop Broadway musical about one of America's Founding Fathers? Well, among the many subtexts and themes to be drawn out of the show (it's going to be the subject of at least 50 undergraduate theater theses in the next 6 months, undoubtedly) one recurring idea that really hit me was the continuous focus on how astonished everyone was by how prolific Hamilton was in his writing. 

"How do you write like you're running out of time?" several characters ask Hamilton throughout the play. You can hear Lin-Manuel Miranda's admiration for Alexander Hamilton in every line. As a writer himself, Miranda knows how incredible it is to keep up such a relentless pace. This actually winds up being one of the reasons Hamilton (historical spoiler alert) comes into conflict with Aaron Burr, whose anthem in the show is literally called “Wait For It” and who eventually grows jealous of Hamilton's success. (Eventually, once people get tired of summer stock productions of 1776 and Hamilton being paired in rep, a regional theater will schedule a season with Hamilton and Amadeus together, and everyone will be like “OMG so dramaturgical”) 

Now, I have an entire notebook full of potential essays/blog posts. My takes on any number of political and social issues. Lists of movies, songs, books I want to analyze. Personal stories to tell. On and on, down to things as specific as expostulations on the aesthetics of realism in the theater, how the realism aesthetic is harmful to the practice of modern stage combat, how the realism aesthetic is hurting modern straight plays on Broadway (I have a lot of thoughts on the American defaulting-to-realism-in-straight-drama thing). 

I have several reflections on my undergraduate playwriting thesis project, split into multiple posts for different aspects of it, and just reams of other concepts. Many of them have a title and their main ideas laid out with first drafts, full paragraphs typed out. But every time I gear up to actually write one of them and put it out there (often when news/current events raises a topic I’ve been hashing out), I decide "well, everyone's writing about this right now. I'm sure someone out there will say it better than I ever could". Or in other words:

Burr: "No one will read them".
Hamilton: “I disagree”
Burr: “And if it fails?”
Hamilton: “Burr, that’s why we need them”

–The characters discussing the Federalist Papers, which Hamilton has asked Burr to help write. He refuses.

Now, that scene felt almost like a personal reprimand at the time I saw it in the theater. (Yeah, I managed to see it in person. Jealous?) And I FIRMLY resolved to go back to my hotel that night and write something, anything for my blog and actually post it. 

I managed half. 

I wrote a first draft of what was actually a rap response to the show, thinking I'd record myself rapping it in the hotel room, but the background noise made a really poor video quality when I did a test run, so I decided to wait until I got home where my better microphone was. I had the motivation to put my work out there revved up, but I'd missed something else I could have taken from the show about how to approach writing. I was listening to the cast recording again this weekend on a bus to Philadelphia (going to a stage combat workshop–another thing I should post about later), when a different moment clicked in my brain. This time it wasn't something Miranda wrote, but a real historical document–Washington's Farewell Address (which the show includes quotes from as we see Hamilton help Washington write it).

Miranda reads out the second to last paragraph of the Address, which is all about errors, defects, and faults. It's Washington's reflection on his term and his assertion that he may have messed up, but he did try his best at every turn. So what clicked was the way my fear of error (what I call "perfectionism" to make myself feel better about it) turns into procrastination. “If I wait one more day, I can edit it better.” “I’m tired now, I’ll give it fresh eyes in the morning.” “I don’t want to post it like this–it’s sloppy and terrible and I know I can make it clearer.” (Ironically, I wrote this paragraph four days ago and have been faffing about editing and rewriting the post since then. I’m literally doing what my own writing is saying I should do less of.)

So, step one is starting to write in earnest–not just for my own notebooks, but putting it out there. I may screw up, on levels ranging from typo to factual error to even advancing a political view that is wildly misguided… I don't know yet. But what I'll say right now, if I can blatantly use something from Miranda’s show, which uses something from Washington’s address, which uses something from Hamilton’s quill, is that my message to the audience of my blog is the following:

Though, in predicting the incidents of my writing, I am unconscious of intentional error, I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may commit many errors. Whatever they may be, I fervently beseech my readers to avert or mitigate the evils to which those errors may tend. I shall also carry with me the hope that my audience will never cease to view them with indulgence; and that, for the remaining years of my life dedicated to writing with a forthright zeal, the faults of incompetent abilities in me will be consigned to oblivion, as myself must someday be to the mansions of rest.

Writing my thoughts down and putting them out there for other people to read. Writing down stories or putting them on stage for others to experience. Hey, what a way to spend a day. I make a vow, right here and now: I'm gonna spend my time this way.

Playing you out:

(A thing I'm thinking about doing consistently, where each post ends with a link to a song I think is a good companion to the tone/subject of the essay but not directly related)

Odds Are by Bare Naked Ladies

Recommended Related Reading:

Ta Nehisi Coates on Writing - A video released as I was writing this post with essentially the same conclusion

How Perfectionism Can Turn into Procrastination (and what to do about it) - I'm working on this, but I'm not perfect about it yet, and that bothers me, so I try not to think about it and... wait a a minute.

Doctor Nerdlove’s Three Second Rule - This is more intended as dating advice, but applicable as far as the psychology of putting yourself out there in any context goes.

The Overprotected Kid - An article about an intentionally dangerous playground and childhood developmental risk taking

The Best Free (or on Netflix) Not-Yet-Classic Media That's Worth Your Time

Hi, Internet! So at Princeton I'm part of an eating club (long story, it's kind of a co-ed frat house where people eat all their meals, just don't worry about it) known as the Princeton Quadrangle Club, or Quad for short. 

We have credit card bottle openers. It's a cool place.

Anyway, within this social organization, I have been dubbed Quad Minister of Culture. And you know, many people have said to me, “Joseph, Quad Minister of Culture, I have so much free time over this, our winter holiday break, and I want to fill it with media that is both highly entertaining and of artistic merit.” I applaud this sentiment, and wish to assist them, and now also you!
Ok, that’s a lie. No one asked me. But I’m going to tell you ANYWAY!

What follows are some recommendations from me that are hopefully at least one step beyond the "obvious" ones you’ve probably had thrown at you a million times (you know, Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Moby Dick, blah blah we get it, they're great works of art, and we're terrible people if we haven't gotten around to them yet).
You haven’t seen the Godfather? What's wrong with you?
My main criterion in recommending anything on this list is that I consider these pieces of media to be worth your time, and I mean that in every sense of the phrase. Even if you don't fall in love with these things the way I have with most of them, I think you'll get enough out of them to justify their runtime. But I hope you love them. Also a consideration, and probably more importantly, they are all easy to obtain legally online at the given links. (FYI, within the categories there isn't any particular order; I think beyond a certain threshold of quality it comes down to personal taste more than anything.) 

I use the phrase “worth it” way too many times in this article. Says something about our capitalistic frame of mind where the discussion is always "Is it worth my time?" not "Is it good?". But that's a post for another day...

TL;DR: Wow, OK I started to write this list with just a couple thoughts for movies and TV shows but I just kept thinking of things to add and it obviously got a little out of control. Prepare for a long post. Also, please comment below if you have recommendations as well, or want to share your thoughts on something I included. Here we go...

No more whitetext. This post is long enough as it is.

TV shows:

I begin with TV, given that binge watching is swiftly becoming the defining media consumption mode of our time. Just a note: many of these are animated because most of the live-action TV shows I might recommend on Netflix are a longer-than-just-break commitment (looking at you, West Wing) or not easily available for free legally and in their entirety online (Orphan Black). Also, I'm assuming most of you have/have access to a Netflix account, but there are a couple that don't require it, like the first:

Over the Garden Wall

Two boys are lost in a strange wood and trying to get home. Funny, dramatic, thought-provoking, and beautifully animated with amazingly high-caliber voice actors, it's only 10 episodes of 11 minutes. Shorter than most movies. Make the small time investment and just go watch it. Free on Cartoon Network's website.

http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/video/over-the-garden-wall/episodes/index.html

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Man, this show is good. A lot of people are aware of it because (as you may have noticed, seeing as you're currently on the internet) it has a pretty devoted fanbase, and it had a terrible movie adaptation made by M. Night Shyamalan. It’s been taken off of Netflix, but fear not! All three seasons are on Amazon Prime, which if you don’t already have you can get a one month free trial of, or a 50% off subscription as a student, and trust me, it’s worth it. 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000GFD4C0/ref=atv_feed_catalog&tag=gow03-20

Coupling

Did you know that before Doctor Who and Sherlock, Steven Moffat was in charge of creating basically the British version of Friends? It’s true! Coupling is a six-buddies-in-the-city sitcom, and it’s very funny (but be aware, if memory serves it’s somewhat raunchier than Friends–British TV is a lot more lax about censoring sex humor than American).

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70140370?trkid=13752289

Futurama

A masterpiece in the form of an animated sci-fi sitcom about a delivery boy from 2000 living in the year 3000. It’s very funny, but also has the ability to punch you in the gut with real, intense feels every once in a while. On the longer side out of these recommendations, but still doable in a week-or-so-long winter break binge.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70153380?trkid=13752289

Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

If you haven't seen much anime, this is one of the best English-dubbed shows out there, and completely accessible to newcomers. If you have seen a lot of anime, you know I started by agonizing whether to put this version or the original FMA on here, but the decision was made for me by the fact that Brotherhood is only on Netflix until January 15, so if you've seen the original and have contemplated checking this out, know that it’s very different but also very good (also the same total length), so watch it now before it’s not available anymore.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70204981?trkid=13752290

Firefly

This is breaking my self-imposed rule about recommendations you've probably heard a million times, but if you haven’t seen Firefly yet, now is the time. One of the best ensemble shows in recent memory, with razor sharp humor, memorable characters, and great action, this is not a series to miss. Also, it’s only one season long (which is sad, but makes it easy to devote the time to watching. Then rewatching. Then watching a third time. Browncoats forever!)

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70202753?trkid=13752289

Black Mirror

This is also breaking one of my rules, in that I have yet to watch it, but it’s my next binge (along with some of the Miyazaki films I’ve missed out on so far. Yes, I'm aware how pretentious that might sound.). It’s a sci-fi anthology show (in the vein of The Twilight Zone), and between some glowing reviews from critics I respect and the fact that there are only 6 episodes, it’s almost certainly worth a look.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70264888?trkid=13752289

Batman Beyond

Most people my age probably watched Batman: The Animated Series, as well as Justice League and Justice League: Unlimited, so they know how good the DC Animated shows could be (all of those are great for rewatching now that we’ve grown up, btw. So much of the humor went over our heads as kids.) This show was a little less universally known. Years in the future, Bruce Wayne has retired as Batman, when a teenager stumbles upon the Bat-cave and steals a technologically advanced Bat-suit. Eventually, he takes on the mantle of Batman in this futuristic Gotham. The standout here is the mentor-mentee relationship of old Bruce Wayne and the new young Batman, as well as the show’s blending of updated original villains with the totally novel in the new rogue’s gallery.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70177038?trkid=13752289

Bonus Batman recommendation! If instead of dark cyberpunk future Batman, you feel like watching an excellent, colorful, and funny love letter to The Silver Age of comics and the campy history there, watch

Batman: The Brave and the Bold 

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70176987?trkid=439131

Webcomics:

MS Paint Adventures

There are two main stories/”adventures” on this site, written by Andrew Hussie. The one I suppose I'd recommend first is Problem Sleuth, because it's shorter, completed, and you can get used to/see if you like the author's sense of humor before tackling his giant magnum opus (sort of like recommending someone A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man before escalating to Ulysses. Yes, I'm aware how pretentious that sounded. Just assume I'm usually aware of how pretentious I sound and don't care because I'm actually being sincere. Yes, including that sentence, too.).

Problem Sleuth: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=4

BUT, if you want to jump in to the deep end right away, the one that is still updating is called HOMESTUCK, and it is long. I still think it is worth it, but I will admit this is the one recommendation on the list that I will not maintain is, for everyone, worth it in a time-invested-to-amount-gotten-out calculation. But if you enjoy it, oh man have you got a new fandom. I'd say try reading the first act or two and see how into it you are.

Homestuck: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HOMESTUCK LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HOMESTUCK LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HOMESTUCK

Movies:

Snowpiercer

There is a reason critics won't shut up about this movie. It had a very limited release so not many people saw it in theaters, but now it's on Netflix and EVERYONE should see it. I can't put it much better than one critic, who said "You can enjoy Snowpiercer as an inventive, exciting action film or you can really dig in deep and explore the meanings and arguments that [the director] Bong has woven throughout, fine and subtle threads that elevate Snowpiercer to another level." Also, Chris Evans is amazing in it.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70270364?trkid=13752289  

Team America: World Police

You may have heard about the massive cyberattack that Sony Pictures recently suffered, which started out funny as some embarrassing/amusing emails and interesting scoops about upcoming movies were revealed. It quickly stopped being funny when a lot of employees’ personal data was released and it turned out it was almost definitely perpetrated by North Korea, upset about the upcoming comedy The Interview, in which Seth Rogen and James Franco are recruited by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong Un. It became downright awful when the hackers followed up by threatening terror attacks at any theater showing the film, causing distributors to back out and forcing Sony to cancel its release. Afterwards, some theaters wanted to show Team America: World Police (which also goes to a fictionalized North Korea) in protest, but Paramount pulled those screening rights as well. So, there's never been a better time to fire up this comedy classic and in some small way tell North Korea that our creative expression will not be stunted by threats of violence, because this is AMERICA (F*#K YEAH!).

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70011195?trkid=13752289

Don Jon

Joseph Gordon Levitt writes, directs, and acts in this depiction of a porn-addicted, womanizing, New Jersey bro. It has pretty good characters and comedy, along with some interesting stuff to say about our relationship to media of various types. We’re going to be seeing more behind the camera from JGL in addition to his continued acting, so check out this directorial debut and see what he’s got to offer.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70267239?trkid=13752289

How To Survive A Plague

This is a great documentary about the AIDS epidemic and activism, which mostly focuses on the New York City-based groups like ACT UP. It’s really interesting and emotional to watch, particularly as we’re suddenly seeing activism again at Princeton (the “die-in” that happened at Frist a couple weeks ago was also a common technique of one of the groups in this movie).

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70229270?trkid=13752289

Stand-up Comedy:

I don’t really think a long description is needed for these. I think they’re all funny routines. You can check the Netflix summaries, but if you feel like watching some stand-up, you’ll probably like them.

John Mulaney–New in Town

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70298251?trkid=13752290

Bo Burnham–what.

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70295560?trkid=13752290

Demetri Martin–If I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU3vqkPFJi8

Donald Glover–Weirdo

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70230138?trkid=13752289

Mike Birbiglia–My Girlfriend's Boyfriend

http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/70279934?trkid=13752290

Audio Storytelling:

I don’t do the podcast thing very much, but the one I can wholeheartedly recommend is The Moth. It’s a live-recording storytelling event that happens periodically in major cities, and the best are put out as a podcast, but you can also just listen to them online at

http://themoth.org/stories

Things you’d have to buy/exert more effort/have other subscriptions to access (but are totally, totally worth it):

Community (Hulu Plus)

One of the best modern television comedies, which has been canceled (because of executive mismanagement) and then dragged back from the darkness by the sheer enthusiasm of its fans multiple times. #sixseasonsandamovie

http://www.hulu.com/community 

OR buy it at http://www.amazon.com/Pilot/dp/B002OPYUSM 

The Wire (HBOGo)

Maybe the best TV series ever, by the estimation of many, many critics. Not an unreasonable conclusion, in my opinion.

http://www.hbogo.com/#series/browse&assetID=GORO1D596?assetType=SERIES?browseMode=browseGrid?browseID=category.INDB464/ 

OR buy at http://www.amazon.com/The-Target/dp/B006GLLTL6

Happy-Go-Lucky ($2.99 rental on Amazon Instant)

A great romantic comedy, with clever humor and a lot of interesting character stuff going on.

http://www.amazon.com/Happy-Go-Lucky-Nonso-Anozie/dp/B00BP4VWRU/

Orphan Black (1st Season free w/ Amazon Prime, for now the 2nd costs $$$)

A British sci-fi show about a young grifter who learns that she is (early-show spoiler, highlight to read) one of many clones from a corporation's experimentation. Most reviews focus on the main actress's performance as a bunch of different characters (and Tatiana Maslany is PHENOMENAL in it, to be sure), but its other characters, writing, and cinematography all deserve praise as well.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BVYLBP2?ref_=atv_dp_season_select_s1 

Special note on Literature:

Unfortunately, all books pretty much fall under the umbrella of either not free or not available immediately online. Many public libraries and universities have ebook lending programs, but I don't know your local availabilities, so I can't make many assumptions about what's free for you to get. You could always physically go and support your libraries, too! Anyway, for this reason and others, book recommendations will be saved for another post, I think.

(I can, though, point out that one of my favorite authors is Neil Gaiman, who has put a bunch of short stories on his website to read for free at http://www.neilgaiman.com/p/Cool_Stuff/Short_Stories)

*******************

Believe it or not, I'm having to restrain myself from adding more stuff at this point, but I really think it's time to finish and hope at least some of you out there get something out of this list. I spent entirely too long on it, guys.

Minister of Culture signing out.

The Anti-"Blurred Lines"

Let's talk about rape culture in popular music again. No wait, don't leave! This isn't going to make you mad by calling out current hits with the old "Blurred Lines" problem (though there are certainly a couple for which I could point out some problems re: their views on women). Instead, I thought I'd look at a song that's trying to do it right.



That is "Text Me in the Morning" by Neon Trees. If you've heard of them, it was probably due to one of their two big singles "Animal" (which was on Glee in season 2, back when the show could really move the pop charts) or "Everybody Talks" (which was also on Glee, but in season 4... so let's join everyone else in pretending that never happened, shall we?)

Glee jokes aside, both are good songs, and I've been a fan since I heard "Animal", so it's nice to see that their third album Pop Psychology, probably my favorite so far, is doing very well, and it includes the aforementioned "Text Me in the Morning". So what do I mean by calling it the Anti-"Blurred Lines"? Let's look at the song.

It opens as a seemingly typical "get drunk and hook up" fantasy song from the perspective of a man dancing with a woman:

We danced a tango 'till our heads got dizzy
I felt your body heat: a damsel in distress
My daddy warned me not to get so busy
And suddenly I'm watching you take off your dress

This could be the beginning to a very problematic song. The "dizzy" reads as a reference to getting drunk, disregarding consequences, and the "damsel in distress" trope is its own whole can of worms (for an in-depth look at that, I refer you to this series of videos). Plus, he's such a cool rebel, defying authority in the form of his "daddy" warning him about the consequences and considerations of "get[ting] so busy". But who cares because, hey-oh, looks like he's about to get laid! Party on, dude! And... wait, she's taking off her own dress? The woman in the song has agency and appears to be the one initiating the sexual encounter? How refreshing. Well, where could the story go from there but into the details of their sordid drunken hook up?

I couldn't stick around

Huh. So I guess he doesn't want the sexual encounter, so he leaves. Or maybe even though he'd like to stay, he couldn't because, I don't know, he has to be at work tomorrow morning or something. Either way, that's a responsible and commendable decision. But we're coming to the chorus, maybe he relents and stays anyway? That would be typical, right? No actually, instead

So text me in the morning
Tell me you still love me
I don't believe a single word
You tell me you're tipsy; 
I tell you you're pretty
We could spend the night if you're still sure
But text me in the morning

So let me get this straight. He thinks she's "pretty", and would love to "spend the night", but he perceives that while she says she's only "tipsy" her behavior otherwise (probably including, among other clues, the sudden, unexpected removal of clothing), indicates that she's so drunk he "doesn't believe a single word". I grant that this could have a couple interpretations, but I read it as meaning he decides she seems too drunk to give consent. So, not only does he not sleep with her anyway, he takes the time to explain, presumably gets her squared away, maybe even puts her to bed, and either tells her or leaves her a note saying that if, when she sobers up, she's still interested in him, then she can "text him in the morning" to arrange a more meaningful encounter (I'm leaning towards note, given how sure he wants to be that she gets the message). Cut to the next morning, as the girl wakes up.

Woke up all soaking wet from last night's fever
Smelling like cigarettes and broken promises
Your mother said: 'Don't be an overachiever.'
I please her, oh please girl, I never did believe her
And I'll never tell you why
Oh, I'll never tell a lie

Imagine the tone if the post-hookup vibe was described as "last night's fever / Smelling like cigarettes and broken promises". Yeah, it would be troubling if we didn't know that nothing actually happened (though it seems she's not sure of that–perhaps she blacked out, making the speaker's choice even more clearly correct). The next line about the mother seems non sequitur at first, but it seems the speaker does know this girl at least a little bit. They are not just strangers as we had first assumed. He is aware to some degree of an internalized screwed up gender dynamics (passed on from society as represented by her mother, just like the father is for him), which seems to be that she should focus mainly on getting a man, hence why the the mother is theoretically pleased that the daughter has snared a man's attention, rather than being an "overachiever", but the speaker rejects that, begging the girl to understand that he never believed this societal message. Perhaps it's a stretch, but the subtext seems to be saying that he wants her to be successful and complete in her own right as a human being, rather than some object for him to desire or play with. After this assertion, he makes a promise to "never tell a lie", which is a reason for her to "text [him] in the morning" and from that segue the chorus repeats. Then we cut to the speaker the next morning.

Tears on my phone
Feelin' so alone
I'll never let you go, you've got the best of me
When all the other boys just want your sex
I just want your texts
In the morning

We learn this speaker is not some stereotypical cool dude hooking up all the time for whom forgoing one night isn't a particularly big deal. He is crushingly lonely, and really wants to believe that someone might be interested in him apart from a blackout drunken hookup. He's not trying to posture about anything, not worried about the fact that "men don't cry". Perhaps he's grown a bit too invested in this one single potential contact, but I think a lot of people can sympathize with being in a place where one act of someone reaching out to you can mean everything. (I know I certainly understand.) What he wants isn't "just" sex, it's human connection, even in something as simple as someone who texts you in the morning.

The rest of the song provides no new information, repeating the chorus and some lines recapping the events. So, final verdict? It should be pretty clear by now how diametrically opposed this story is to "Blurred Lines". In that song, without all that much evidence, the speaker insists that despite the way she presents herself to him (a "good girl" and "plastic", presumably meaning some kind of heartless rejection) he knows she wants to have sex with him, and all these lines she's blurring about consent are silly. The speaker in "Text Me in the Morning", who I wager some people wouldn't blame for going ahead with the hookup given our culture (imagine how many movies, for instance, contain the "lonely kid finally hooks up with hot drunk chick, thus winning the story" plot), instead responds to ambiguity about consent by backing off.

Here's the key part that makes me so happy about it. The song isn't boring. Stopping the "action" before getting to what you'd expect the audience to want doesn't stop the song, instead it turns and becomes about something more. It's light and cute on top, but full of dramatic possibility. Instead of an indulgent fantasy, we get ambiguity. Maybe nothing comes of it, maybe she doesn't text him, and this story ends. But maybe she does text him, and I think that's what the listener comes out of it wanting. We hope for a happy ending to the story, and given the tone of the song's conclusion (certainly upbeat and peppy), it seems there's a decent chance for that.

It feels a bit weird to be so encouraged and excited by the fact that a mildly successful pop song has an underlying message of basic gender equality. It's why I'm so glad the song doesn't, for instance, try to celebrate him for his decision. It doesn't come across as "look at me, I'm such a good guy–I totally didn't take advantage of her, aren't I the best?" Because we shouldn't be asking for prizes for being decent fucking humans. Instead, the song presents it as it should be–simply a matter of course. Go listen again to the twist in the song when he first says "Well, I couldn't stick around!" It's so defined, picked out for emphasis by some distinctive chords introducing the keyboard track to the song, making sure you pay attention while the tone of his exclamation is best characterized as "Obviously". And that's how it should be. Don't rape people. Obvious. Respect people. Obvious. Sense any "blurred lines"? Err on the side of not doing something terrible and irreversible. Obvious.

But while the song doesn't ask for any praise, I think it deserves some. Because it's a fun pop song that you certainly don't have to think too hard about, but if you do, you can enjoy what you find.

What does anyone else think? Any alternate interpretations or other recent songs you think manage to have interesting and positive gender dynamics play out subtly? I'd love for there to be a bunch more I'm missing, but this is the only one that's struck me recently. As such, I thought I'd try to spread it around a little bit.

Spotify Link     iTunes Link     Amazon Link     Google Play Link

So check it out, and then we can dance to it together (in spirit at least).

'Til next time.